Shattered Dreams

Dear Friends,

            Hi everyone, how are we doing this late evening? Well, I am feeling kind of depressed. Just found out the only way for me to get published is to publish it myself. Why does this dream have to involve money when I am broke and jobless? This is just like the self power and other power in Buddhism. Instead of doing it myself with my own power, I had been waiting as a true Jodo Shinshu Buddhist, waiting for someone to accept my work, on its own merit to publish my book of Poetry.

            How does a jobless and rejected Poet get published? Do I raise money, and if I do is my stuff even good enough for people to help get published and out there for the whole world to read? Seems like most poets are famous only after death, after I am dead will my words then be worthy of print? Since this is a new year, I thought I can start off fresh, with a better hope of this dream actually coming true this year. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is even reading my work, other than my Neighbor Drama stuff, or am I just kidding myself in actually thinking that my own work is good and worthy of a book.

            My life lately seemed to have been full of shattered dreams, shattered goals, and things just not going the way I wanted it to. I often wonder why I even bother writing at all, why write? Why put these words on paper for all to read my dark, dark memories, and my dialog with my inner demons? What’s the purpose? What’s the use? Why do I even bother to exist in this world? Does anyone even care if I live or die? 

            This is my inner dialog; I guess it’s my inner demons fighting it out for the soul of this poor poet. Why are these inner conflicts, inflicting pain and suffering upon this mind of mine. These thoughts are making way to my feelings, from happy to sad to depressed. You all know that I have started a walking regiment to improve my body, and my mind. But my mind doesn’t seem to be following; it seems to be stuck in a painful rut. I think I should start meditating again before I try to hurt myself again.

            As I stated before about raising money to self publish a book, would any of you be willing to donate to help me see this dream through? Or should I just give up and try again after another 15 years? Ok, it’s getting late, I am going to listen to some of Alan Watts old recordings till I fall asleep.

In Gassho,



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Jerry Sakamoto
    Jan 13, 2011 @ 04:12:53

    I believe that everyone is in conflict with oneself sometimes during his/her life.
    Some grow to new heights and overcome the self doubts and conflicts.

    I, myself, had a “career” of almost 19 when I was shown the door out to a new and different world. After nearly ten years, I have worked in many temporary career fields until I had a seizure… so now I am declared “disabled” and live on my social security check (at least I am getting back all that I put into it).
    So, now, I consider myself a “professional” volunteer and doing “work” for my church and ther organizations.
    Sorry to to ramble about myself. You are at a junction in your life … do you “gamble” and self publish or continue to find that one unique publisher to help pursue your goals… only you with support from others will make your dreams xome true.
    Do you know other authors who can help you?
    Good luck on your travels through life.
    Namo Amida Butsu

    P.S. Is there a “walking meditation” group near you?
    I have heard there are several books and groups . I think the Cleveland Buddhist Church practices a form of this … I guess it is too far for us to go.
    In San Luis Obispo, There is a group separate from the church known as “White Sangha” …. I don’t know that much about this group. They used to rent the SLO church for services.

    That’s all for tonight.


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